Westenders

Scene: back bar of the Yorkshire Grey, W1. Three men in expensive hoodies, tight chinos and leisure footwear are huddled over halves of Sam Smith's Organic Lager

Sharpie: Rish, how can we help ?

Rishi: Dick, all I asked for was a decent heads-up when you're cutting things. First there was local radio, now we've got Radio Foyle and artsy stuff on Radio Scotland. The DCMS are all over the place fire-fighting back benchers, and we're not front foot on any of this, and personally, I can do without it

Sharpie:  Agreed, but frankly, Rishi, at Golden Slacks we could have done this without anyone spotting it. Our staff here are worse than your headbangers.

Davie: Rishi, to be clear, Rhodri has said sorry for not keeping Culture in the loop; but he even left me out of the Derry and Scotland stuff. He's off on a jeopardy-spotting course at Insead when we get through this. 

Rishi: So can you put this fire out, or do you get another kicking in the midterm review ?

Sharpie: Of course, we'll try, but you know the News Channel goes all Nicaragua from April, and there'll be a fuss about that. 

Rishi: We'll take that.  And you know Newsnight is still in the last chance saloon, don't you ?

Davie: Got that, but you need to rein in Robbie. 

Sharpie: I never know where he is, apart from Board meetings

Rishi: Bottom line - no more money, and no more grief. You sort this - or it's subscription time. Chill nuts anyone ?