Graded grains

Dear BBC News worker ants,

Please now attend to your duties confident that all your Senior Managers have been through a full appraisal, and duly graded, on a scale of 1 to 5, as promised by James Harding. We, in Really Senior Management, intend to keep this information to ourselves. However, it is safe to say that you won't see many with badges showing 5 - indeed, better to keep an eye on the way out over the next few months if you want to work out who they are. A few, graded 4, will be undergo a re-programming course over coming weeks (watch for bookings in the Kim Jong-il Training Area). Otherwise, it is safe to assume that most got a 3. There are, of course, no bonuses for those getting "1", because we have to save £20 million over the next two years.

Now, contrary to the untimely recidivism of Lucy "Cassandra" Adams, who is JUST WRONG when she said appraisals don't work, we are rolling out this grading to all of you. Group sedation will be offered to those still living in fear, with temporary screens being erected around conference rooms Basil Fawlty, Winston Smith and John Yossarian. Please regard 2014 as the year you got your minds round this - we're really doing it.

Yours etc...