Bad wedding disco

I've just woken up from a terrible dream. All the Olympic athletes were imprisoned for hours by blue oompa-loompas, pinned inside a track by that event for odd vehicles that Grandstand used to hold in old claypits. Bradley Wiggins sang Wonderwall with someone from the Bay City Rollers on guitar; the woman who propagates on Gardeners' World appeared on the prow of a pretend ship; and all sorts of other people I didn't really recognise came on and did their third best hit - or, worse, somebody else's third best hit. Russell Brand revealed he'd been to stage school; Kim Gavin revealed that choreographers from Seaside Special aren't all dead; and unlike Danny Boyle's effort, nobody had the guts to say it was too long. And The Who did a MEDLEY.

If you though the binman and his friends from Brazil were a bit hard going, imagine what the rest of the world thought of the UK tonight.