Ordeal

A 36-year-old American woman was subjected to an ancient and bizarre British ritual in London last night. The woman, who intends to marry into the Royal Family, was the victim of trial by variety.

The ordeal was transmitted across the country on the BBC, who produced this latest incarnation of an horrific television rite.

The evening was conceived by BBC producers driven to new heights of psychosis in meetings lasting over three hours WITHOUT BISCUITS. Only temporarily-crazed minds could have imagined a Sting/Shaggy medley; Tom Jones singing "The Green Green Grass of Home" with the sons of Ladysmith Black Mambazo; Alfie Boe bouncing around mangling Benny Goodman songs with clenched teeth and pre-arthritic knees; Helen George making whistling kettle noises instead of the last notes of "I Could Have Danced All Night"; and Ed Balls playing the ukelele WITH NO APPROPRIATE BREXIT BALANCE. 

With no curtain at the Royal Albert Hall, the neon stage set apparently required three minutes to change between acts, so we had schoolchildren vox pops as fillers, plus a cameo by Jennifer Saunders as Camilla decorating a cake. Then we came back to hostess Zoe Ball shouting her introductions to a camera the other side of the hall - so far away she had continuing trouble with the autocue. (Justine Bieber ?).

There hasn't been anything as compellingly awful as this since the 2016 90th Birthday Royal Horse Show Thingy at Windsor with Ant & Dec. At least that was on ITV, who had the excuse they were co-producers.  There were no military titles in the production credits for last night's show.

Instead, I give you TV Director (and freelance) Simon Staffurth, who clearly would have preferred to cut to reaction shots of Megan and Grandma-in-law-to-be for the nano-seconds that they might have been enjoying themselves - sadly not captured. The whole was edited by Alison Popplewell, BBC Editor, Ceremonial Events and author of How To Make a Royal Weep, and produced by Alison Howe, of Later..With Jools Holland.